Have you discovered you’re autistic or ADHD later in life?

This is becoming increasingly common, not because more people are neurodivergent, as the media would have you believe, but because there is much more awareness and information about different brain types. Whether you have been diagnosed, are thinking about seeking an assessment or are happy to self identify as neurodivergent, it can be really helpful to talk to someone who understands.

Other People’s Reactions

As a late diagnosed autistic counsellor, I understand the difficulties you might be experiencing. One of the most common problems can be the reaction of the people in your life to being told that you are neurodivergent. This can range from “well obviously” to “aren’t we all a bit autistic?” (no we are not!) to just simply refusing to believe it (this happened to me!). Not only are you having to think about how your new-found knowledge about how your brain works has impacted you your entire life, you’ve also got to manage other people’s reactions, know what the ‘right’ thing to say back to them is, and sometimes even renegotiate entire relationships.

Making a decision about how much to disclose to other people can be difficult, especially when it comes to work. Your employer has to provide you with reasonable adjustments, regardless of whether you have been diagnosed, but asking for and getting those adjustments can be stressful and upsetting.

Rejection Sensitivity

One of the things that impacts people who are autistic and/or ADHD is rejection sensitivity. This is where a feeling of rejection is felt so intensely it can feel like a blow to the chest, it’s such a deep feeling of hurt and can be physically painful and it is extremely upsetting. Neurodivergent brains can interpret many different things as rejection, not just the obvious things like relationship break ups or not getting the job you applied for. It can also be caused by things like receiving feedback on an assignment or at work, someone not replying to a text, or even a small comment a friend makes about what you’re wearing. This hypersensitivity can lead to thinking that you’re not liked, or you’re a bad friend or bad at your job or just not good enough. You might then start to avoid putting yourself in situations where there could be a potential rejection, avoiding spending time with friends and family, distancing yourself so that you don’t get hurt. Sometimes neurodivergent people become perfectionists in order to protect themselves from criticism which makes them feel rejected, and this can make you feel stress and burnout, thinking that doing your best always giving 110% which is an impossible standard to hold yourself to. Counselling can be really helpful for people who experience rejection sensitivity. Being able to recognise the feelings, increasing your self-awareness and having a better understanding of yourself is the first step.

Meltdowns

Meltdowns usually happen when everything gets too much and it becomes difficult to regulate your emotions. They are different for everyone, but most people will feel intensely upset maybe with uncontrollable sobbing. Some people will shout, pace, throw things, feel tense and out of control. It is common for people who have been late diagnosed to not realise that they have been having meltdowns all of their lives. Some people think they’ve been suffering from depression or from panic attacks, which of course they could be, but meltdowns are particularly to do with feeling overstimulated and unable to regulate emotional intensity. Counselling is useful because it can help you to make sense of what’s happened. It can help you to recognise the things that contribute to causing meltdowns, to recognise the warning signs and thought patterns and to start being kinder to yourself.

Eye Contact

Neurodivergent people often find making eye contact difficult, I mean if you think about it, why would anyone want to stare into another human’s eyeballs? For some people it can even be painful. Online counselling can be good in this situation, because you can look wherever you want, it’s not really obvious whether you’re making eye contact or not, so it’s one less thing to think about. Another thing you could consider is Walk and Talk therapy. This is where your counselling session takes place outside, while you walk, which means that you are side by side, and there is no eye contact involved. A lot of neurodivergent people find this way of working much more pleasant!

Masking

This is where neurodivergent people change the way they naturally are in order to fit in. This can be done consciously, for example stopping yourself from rocking backwards and forwards when you’re with other people, scripting what you’re going to say in advance, or forcing eye contact. It can also be unconscious - you might not even know that you are masking - and when you start to realise this you might be thinking well who even am I?! Generally, masking is done to fit in. You are living in a world which was designed for neurotypical brains and masking stops you from appearing to be different. It’s about social survival more than anything. You are more likely to have been bullied or struggled with friendships as a child so you have learned to keep safe by not showing the real you.

I’ve just briefly outlined a few of the things which late diagnosed autistic and ADHD people struggle with. If you’d like to talk about any of the above and to learn more about yourself please get in touch for a chat about how counselling can help.